I was born in Buffalo, New York, on December 12, 1980. Complications from being born
three months premature led to my blindness. At age three my father died and my family
descended into chaos. Violent outbursts by my mother and her new boyfriend were the norm
and caused all types of abuse.
At age six I vividly remember at times I was kicked in the stomach, beaten with a belt, and
locked in my room all afternoon and night without dinner. So by age seven, I was out of
control and was hospitalized. My life reflected the chaos that surrounded me, and a mental
illness known as schizophrenia had started.
Once on a family outing, to discipline me my mother's alcoholic boyfriend, in a fit of rage,
grabbed me to throw into a waterfall. I miraculously broke free of his grip. They then decided
to teach me a lesson by just walking away. I was a blind 9 year old kid left behind, alone in a
strange park without my cane to guide me. As I crept slowly forward attempting to feel my
way along the path, they yelled "Watch out for the cliff!” I froze in fear as I had no way of
knowing where the edge was.
Later that day my birth mother’s boyfriend wanted to have dinner alone with me. He pointed a
steak knife at my chest. He then said to feel how sharp it was with my hand and proceeded to
threaten that if I dared to say or do one more stupid thing, he would kill me with that knife.
I was placed in foster care by age ten. Many of the foster homes into which I was placed took
in loads of children more for the money than to love and help kids. I again endured physical
and even sexual abuse, as well as spoken threats to my life. This chaos of family experiences
and increasing mental illness compounded to worsen my behavior. A cycle of being placed in
a foster home, then a hospital, and then a different foster home, never the previous home,
happened over and over again. I was subsequently in 13 foster homes.
At age 14, I met with Phil and Evelyn Reiter and
they agreed to become my foster parents.
They are a dedicated, supportive Christian couple
who not only believed in God but they believed
in me. They knew that I could do whatever I put
my mind to with God's help.
I was still too angry to see this at first. Ironically,
the idea of God's forgiveness is what attracted me
to Christianity, as I realized that to harbor the
bitterness and deep rooted rage would only destroy me.
So at age 16, at a Christian youth retreat I prayed for
Christ to forgive my mistakes and bitterness and
become my guide in life.
At this point, my birth mother was dying. She was dying outwardly
but I could tell she too had turned to God and inwardly was at peace.
I shared my new found faith. Mom said she was so proud of me as
a son and what I had become.
What I said I knew needed to be said from the bottom of my
heart so it would reach to the bottom of her heart to comfort her.
"Mom, you say you are so proud of me as a son and what I have
become, and now I am so proud of you as a mother.” With God’s
love and forgiveness we had the kind of relationship those
last few weeks of her life that I always dreamed of for us to have.
For many it is a long process to release the feelings of rejection,
hate, and anger from the past and embrace a new life of being
valued, loved and at peace. God and my new family of Phil
and Evelyn stood by me until I learned this.
When hospitalized my new dad visited me twice a day to
remind me that they still loved me and we were a family
and that when I was discharged I would return home to them.
Even so, with mental illness and emotional wounds,
I struggled with totally trusting anyone at all.
I also had frequent medication adjustments and
hospitalizations during those years.
In spite of this, I was still able to leave the special school
for the blind to attend and graduate from my hometown
Croton-Harmon High School with “High Honors” in June 2000.
Still, I was having increasingly deep and dark struggles
with schizophrenia.
Schizophrenia?
The terms, schizophrenia, schizophrenic and schizo
are misused to describe someone acting crazy,
like two people or a person who can’t make up his
or her mind. This is reflected in the naming of a far
out alternative rock band “Schizophrenia”.
The idea of hearing voices is even joked
about on bumper stickers.
But having the mental illness schizophrenia is no joke.
Here are a few points to explain the real illness.
First, “schizo” does indeed mean “split” but in this case it is a “split from reality” not a split
personality.
Second, symptoms include: hearing audible voices (when no one is talking), paranoia
(unrealistic fears and/or suspicions), and disorganized thoughts (A mere taste of this would
be the inability to think clearly during a high fever or illness.)
Third, this is an illness and it requires medical intervention. If your heart malfunctions it
could become a heart attack. If your brain malfunctions it could become schizophrenia.
All that having been said, in September of 2000 I started at Nyack College. I left home, moved
into the dorm and in spite of the still frequent medication adjustments managed to get
through the first school year.
But the fall of 2001 became an extremely rough year for me.
I suffered through the harsh break-up with a musical group I was with for three years. Then
my girlfriend of two years broke off our relationship. Because of the past separations with
foster families and my birth parents' deaths when I was younger, any losses were
extraordinarily difficult for me.
The attacks against America of 9-11 and the constant reports of the horrific losses caused
everyone to feel more vulnerable and fearful. For me it also caused flashbacks of my own
traumatic experiences. At this point, I was sleeping less than two hours a week and that plus
the schizophrenia further amplified all of this to the breaking point.
While on a trip I shared my illness with a few people
and mistakenly listened to their misguided advice.
"To be healed you must step out in faith!
Stop seeing a doctor. Stop taking your pills".
I know now that this advice made about as much
sense as stepping out in faith between two
parked cars without looking.
Since I was not taking my medication my judgment was clouded and I was no longer fully
aware of my actions or their consequences. It should be noted here that if I had been taking
my medicines regularly and telling my doctors and all the others that cared about me
everything that was going through my head I might have had to go to the hospital for a week
or two, but the following would have never happened!
The voices that had been increasing for weeks now never stopped. Their hateful screams
became even louder and angrier. I felt like my very being was in total agony. Alone in my dorm
room at 4:30 in the morning on November 1, 2001, I made a decision. This decision was not to
hurt anyone or even because I fully wanted it. It was simply to escape the horrifying symptoms
I was enduring. At that moment, perhaps my life's weakest, I uttered a desperate and
confused prayer, expressing my severely conflicted nearly shattered soul to God and Satan
simultaneously: "Satan, I might be giving my body to you, but I am not giving my heart and soul
to you". Even then, I still knew, to some degree, God loved me. I attempted suicide by taking
220 pills without telling anyone and collapsed on to my bed in a coma.
From Dad’s Perspective:
(Note: Former foster father Phil
these days is known as “dad”.)
At 5 pm, I arrived to meet Israel after class. When he did not show I drove to the dorm and
knowing that he sometimes took a nap and how heavy he sleeps, knocked loudly for a while
on the door. When he did not answer I decided he was hanging out somewhere and forgot
about my visit. So I decided to leave the campus and go home.
However, I know that God in His mercy stopped me from leaving to save Israel’s life by what
happened next.
As I was walking toward my car, for no apparent reason the thought, "Suppose he's sick?"
popped into my mind. That thought and the fact that his window was on the ground floor
caused me to change my direction and walk around the building to take a look.
Looking between the blinds, I just managed to see Israel face down on the bed and realized
that something was seriously wrong. I ran back around the building, pounded on the door,
and when he didn't answer got the key and rushed in to find him face down on the bed. When
I rolled him over, he was limp and did not respond and for a moment I thought “He’s dead”.
Then I noticed he was still breathing slightly. Someone called an ambulance and my son was
rushed to the hospital.
At first know one knew what happened so the event had to be pieced together. I saw some
empty pill bottles with the caps off. I asked anyone around when Israel had been last seen. I
put together a list of what he took and when for the doctor. Israel had been on that bed in a
coma for over 12 hours before I found him.
When the doctor finished Israel was on a breathing tube and still in a deep coma. He
considered the facts, looked at me, explained about brain damage then said, “think about
final arrangements”. But God in His mercy changed that direction too and after being
comatose for well over 24 hours Israel regained consciousness.
A Return to Israel’s Perspective:
Then a key event happened. While being treated at the psychiatric hospital I awoke in the
middle of the night. I was able to think clearly for the first time in many weeks. Then it hit me.
Of all the attempts by others in my past to hurt or kill me, no one ever came as close as me.
The news was still full of the attacks of 9-11 and that our country needed to win this "War on
Terror". I also had just been attacked by schizophrenia and almost lost the war. I made a
promise right then and there to God, myself, and my loved ones that from this point on, no
matter what or how long it took, I would fight an internal "War on Terror" to win my mind back
from the attacks of schizophrenia. My miraculous recovery from this devastating mental
illness began here.
What followed was a process of lots of prayer and hard work. I learn to follow the advice of
doctors, family and the wise counsel of friends that really knew and loved me. After
much trial and many modifications, the right medication and other therapies have been
found. I am at a place in my life where I always dreamed I would be, but could never fully
envision until now.
My mind is no longer filled with those hateful voices. Rather, it is now filled, even flooded,
with positive, peaceful, life enhancing biblical images and songs of deliverance. The wind of
the Holy Spirit blows through and refreshes my entire being. Beautiful fountains of life heal
and purify my soul. These experiences that refresh and take me to another place cause me to
reflect upon this biblical passage.
You (God) will keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on You,
because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 26:3
“New King James” translation
In the past, I've needed to go to the hospital for medication adjustments every 3 to 7 months.
Now, however, I have been out of the hospital for the longest stretch of time since 2005,
five years.
I know from the progress I have made that God's plans for my life cannot be stopped.
Ironically, one chief thing that has brought about such marvelous healing in my life has been
the acceptance of the mental illness itself. To explain, I fully understand I still have
schizophrenia, which I hope is permanently in remission. In order to keep it that way,
however, I need to maintain extra vigilance in these areas of my life.
- Diet, exercise and proper sleep
- Listening to my doctor about therapy and medication
- Prayer and Worship
- Family and positive friendships to keep me on track
In other words, I need to continuously live a lifestyle that opens the doors of holistic health
and closes the doors to unbalanced, detrimental living.
Another crucial element of my sustained victory over the illness up to now revisits the theme
touched upon earlier of the transforming power of forgiveness and the ability it gives one to
move forward. Throughout the course of my life’s many struggles, there were several times
when I grew bitter and extremely hateful toward all humanity, God, and the entire universe. At
such times, I lost all hope that any good or genuine enjoyment in life existed anywhere.
Working through a long, hard process of fully regaining hope in all these things moved
mountains spiritually and psychologically in successfully reaching toward my recovery thus
far.
This, my friends, is how God has taken my life and transformed it from tragedy to triumph!
I have learned from personal experience that,
Whatever I have, where ever I am,
I can make it through anything in the one
who makes me who I am.
Philippians 4:13
“The Message” translation
This story serves as one example of encouragement to express God’s hope to you who may
be undergoing intense struggles in life to keep on keeping on and not allow anyone or
anything to stand in the way of your fulfilling the full potential of your destiny in time. This is
what God's Mental Hope is all about.
From Dad’s Perspective: - July 2010
In the summer of 2007, Israel spent four weeks to learn skills that added another
important member to the family. He returned home to Evelyn and me at the end
of July with Gobi, a male Yellow Labrador Retriever guide dog from Guiding Eyes
in Yorktown, NY. Gobi was Israel’s constant companion and a very familiar site at
Nyack College through the 2007-08 school year.
Israel’s dreams of completing college took eight years due to
illness and hospitalizations which caused many missed
semesters. But Israel’s faith never let him give up on them.
At the Nyack College Graduation in May 2008, when Israel and his
guide dog Gobi walked across the stage he received three things:
- a BA in Psychology from Nyack College,
- the shouts of "Israel" and a standing ovation,
- and the biggest victory of his life in battling schizophrenia.
In August 2008, Israel and Gobi squeezed all of their belongings,
well most of them, into my pick-up truck and we drove six hours
to move them into an apartment of their own in Rochester, NY.
The dream has led Israel to pursue a Masters in Social Work at
Roberts Wesleyan College in Rochester.
The daily battles to stay healthy and in school are much easier
than when he first returned to Nyack College.
But Israel’s conviction to stay healthy and look forward in faith
to the hope God gave him are just as strong as before.
As of this update, Israel has never had to return to the hospital.
three months premature led to my blindness. At age three my father died and my family
descended into chaos. Violent outbursts by my mother and her new boyfriend were the norm
and caused all types of abuse.
At age six I vividly remember at times I was kicked in the stomach, beaten with a belt, and
locked in my room all afternoon and night without dinner. So by age seven, I was out of
control and was hospitalized. My life reflected the chaos that surrounded me, and a mental
illness known as schizophrenia had started.
Once on a family outing, to discipline me my mother's alcoholic boyfriend, in a fit of rage,
grabbed me to throw into a waterfall. I miraculously broke free of his grip. They then decided
to teach me a lesson by just walking away. I was a blind 9 year old kid left behind, alone in a
strange park without my cane to guide me. As I crept slowly forward attempting to feel my
way along the path, they yelled "Watch out for the cliff!” I froze in fear as I had no way of
knowing where the edge was.
Later that day my birth mother’s boyfriend wanted to have dinner alone with me. He pointed a
steak knife at my chest. He then said to feel how sharp it was with my hand and proceeded to
threaten that if I dared to say or do one more stupid thing, he would kill me with that knife.
I was placed in foster care by age ten. Many of the foster homes into which I was placed took
in loads of children more for the money than to love and help kids. I again endured physical
and even sexual abuse, as well as spoken threats to my life. This chaos of family experiences
and increasing mental illness compounded to worsen my behavior. A cycle of being placed in
a foster home, then a hospital, and then a different foster home, never the previous home,
happened over and over again. I was subsequently in 13 foster homes.
At age 14, I met with Phil and Evelyn Reiter and
they agreed to become my foster parents.
They are a dedicated, supportive Christian couple
who not only believed in God but they believed
in me. They knew that I could do whatever I put
my mind to with God's help.
I was still too angry to see this at first. Ironically,
the idea of God's forgiveness is what attracted me
to Christianity, as I realized that to harbor the
bitterness and deep rooted rage would only destroy me.
So at age 16, at a Christian youth retreat I prayed for
Christ to forgive my mistakes and bitterness and
become my guide in life.
At this point, my birth mother was dying. She was dying outwardly
but I could tell she too had turned to God and inwardly was at peace.
I shared my new found faith. Mom said she was so proud of me as
a son and what I had become.
What I said I knew needed to be said from the bottom of my
heart so it would reach to the bottom of her heart to comfort her.
"Mom, you say you are so proud of me as a son and what I have
become, and now I am so proud of you as a mother.” With God’s
love and forgiveness we had the kind of relationship those
last few weeks of her life that I always dreamed of for us to have.
For many it is a long process to release the feelings of rejection,
hate, and anger from the past and embrace a new life of being
valued, loved and at peace. God and my new family of Phil
and Evelyn stood by me until I learned this.
When hospitalized my new dad visited me twice a day to
remind me that they still loved me and we were a family
and that when I was discharged I would return home to them.
Even so, with mental illness and emotional wounds,
I struggled with totally trusting anyone at all.
I also had frequent medication adjustments and
hospitalizations during those years.
In spite of this, I was still able to leave the special school
for the blind to attend and graduate from my hometown
Croton-Harmon High School with “High Honors” in June 2000.
Still, I was having increasingly deep and dark struggles
with schizophrenia.
Schizophrenia?
The terms, schizophrenia, schizophrenic and schizo
are misused to describe someone acting crazy,
like two people or a person who can’t make up his
or her mind. This is reflected in the naming of a far
out alternative rock band “Schizophrenia”.
The idea of hearing voices is even joked
about on bumper stickers.
But having the mental illness schizophrenia is no joke.
Here are a few points to explain the real illness.
First, “schizo” does indeed mean “split” but in this case it is a “split from reality” not a split
personality.
Second, symptoms include: hearing audible voices (when no one is talking), paranoia
(unrealistic fears and/or suspicions), and disorganized thoughts (A mere taste of this would
be the inability to think clearly during a high fever or illness.)
Third, this is an illness and it requires medical intervention. If your heart malfunctions it
could become a heart attack. If your brain malfunctions it could become schizophrenia.
All that having been said, in September of 2000 I started at Nyack College. I left home, moved
into the dorm and in spite of the still frequent medication adjustments managed to get
through the first school year.
But the fall of 2001 became an extremely rough year for me.
I suffered through the harsh break-up with a musical group I was with for three years. Then
my girlfriend of two years broke off our relationship. Because of the past separations with
foster families and my birth parents' deaths when I was younger, any losses were
extraordinarily difficult for me.
The attacks against America of 9-11 and the constant reports of the horrific losses caused
everyone to feel more vulnerable and fearful. For me it also caused flashbacks of my own
traumatic experiences. At this point, I was sleeping less than two hours a week and that plus
the schizophrenia further amplified all of this to the breaking point.
While on a trip I shared my illness with a few people
and mistakenly listened to their misguided advice.
"To be healed you must step out in faith!
Stop seeing a doctor. Stop taking your pills".
I know now that this advice made about as much
sense as stepping out in faith between two
parked cars without looking.
Since I was not taking my medication my judgment was clouded and I was no longer fully
aware of my actions or their consequences. It should be noted here that if I had been taking
my medicines regularly and telling my doctors and all the others that cared about me
everything that was going through my head I might have had to go to the hospital for a week
or two, but the following would have never happened!
The voices that had been increasing for weeks now never stopped. Their hateful screams
became even louder and angrier. I felt like my very being was in total agony. Alone in my dorm
room at 4:30 in the morning on November 1, 2001, I made a decision. This decision was not to
hurt anyone or even because I fully wanted it. It was simply to escape the horrifying symptoms
I was enduring. At that moment, perhaps my life's weakest, I uttered a desperate and
confused prayer, expressing my severely conflicted nearly shattered soul to God and Satan
simultaneously: "Satan, I might be giving my body to you, but I am not giving my heart and soul
to you". Even then, I still knew, to some degree, God loved me. I attempted suicide by taking
220 pills without telling anyone and collapsed on to my bed in a coma.
From Dad’s Perspective:
(Note: Former foster father Phil
these days is known as “dad”.)
At 5 pm, I arrived to meet Israel after class. When he did not show I drove to the dorm and
knowing that he sometimes took a nap and how heavy he sleeps, knocked loudly for a while
on the door. When he did not answer I decided he was hanging out somewhere and forgot
about my visit. So I decided to leave the campus and go home.
However, I know that God in His mercy stopped me from leaving to save Israel’s life by what
happened next.
As I was walking toward my car, for no apparent reason the thought, "Suppose he's sick?"
popped into my mind. That thought and the fact that his window was on the ground floor
caused me to change my direction and walk around the building to take a look.
Looking between the blinds, I just managed to see Israel face down on the bed and realized
that something was seriously wrong. I ran back around the building, pounded on the door,
and when he didn't answer got the key and rushed in to find him face down on the bed. When
I rolled him over, he was limp and did not respond and for a moment I thought “He’s dead”.
Then I noticed he was still breathing slightly. Someone called an ambulance and my son was
rushed to the hospital.
At first know one knew what happened so the event had to be pieced together. I saw some
empty pill bottles with the caps off. I asked anyone around when Israel had been last seen. I
put together a list of what he took and when for the doctor. Israel had been on that bed in a
coma for over 12 hours before I found him.
When the doctor finished Israel was on a breathing tube and still in a deep coma. He
considered the facts, looked at me, explained about brain damage then said, “think about
final arrangements”. But God in His mercy changed that direction too and after being
comatose for well over 24 hours Israel regained consciousness.
A Return to Israel’s Perspective:
Then a key event happened. While being treated at the psychiatric hospital I awoke in the
middle of the night. I was able to think clearly for the first time in many weeks. Then it hit me.
Of all the attempts by others in my past to hurt or kill me, no one ever came as close as me.
The news was still full of the attacks of 9-11 and that our country needed to win this "War on
Terror". I also had just been attacked by schizophrenia and almost lost the war. I made a
promise right then and there to God, myself, and my loved ones that from this point on, no
matter what or how long it took, I would fight an internal "War on Terror" to win my mind back
from the attacks of schizophrenia. My miraculous recovery from this devastating mental
illness began here.
What followed was a process of lots of prayer and hard work. I learn to follow the advice of
doctors, family and the wise counsel of friends that really knew and loved me. After
much trial and many modifications, the right medication and other therapies have been
found. I am at a place in my life where I always dreamed I would be, but could never fully
envision until now.
My mind is no longer filled with those hateful voices. Rather, it is now filled, even flooded,
with positive, peaceful, life enhancing biblical images and songs of deliverance. The wind of
the Holy Spirit blows through and refreshes my entire being. Beautiful fountains of life heal
and purify my soul. These experiences that refresh and take me to another place cause me to
reflect upon this biblical passage.
You (God) will keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on You,
because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 26:3
“New King James” translation
In the past, I've needed to go to the hospital for medication adjustments every 3 to 7 months.
Now, however, I have been out of the hospital for the longest stretch of time since 2005,
five years.
I know from the progress I have made that God's plans for my life cannot be stopped.
Ironically, one chief thing that has brought about such marvelous healing in my life has been
the acceptance of the mental illness itself. To explain, I fully understand I still have
schizophrenia, which I hope is permanently in remission. In order to keep it that way,
however, I need to maintain extra vigilance in these areas of my life.
- Diet, exercise and proper sleep
- Listening to my doctor about therapy and medication
- Prayer and Worship
- Family and positive friendships to keep me on track
In other words, I need to continuously live a lifestyle that opens the doors of holistic health
and closes the doors to unbalanced, detrimental living.
Another crucial element of my sustained victory over the illness up to now revisits the theme
touched upon earlier of the transforming power of forgiveness and the ability it gives one to
move forward. Throughout the course of my life’s many struggles, there were several times
when I grew bitter and extremely hateful toward all humanity, God, and the entire universe. At
such times, I lost all hope that any good or genuine enjoyment in life existed anywhere.
Working through a long, hard process of fully regaining hope in all these things moved
mountains spiritually and psychologically in successfully reaching toward my recovery thus
far.
This, my friends, is how God has taken my life and transformed it from tragedy to triumph!
I have learned from personal experience that,
Whatever I have, where ever I am,
I can make it through anything in the one
who makes me who I am.
Philippians 4:13
“The Message” translation
This story serves as one example of encouragement to express God’s hope to you who may
be undergoing intense struggles in life to keep on keeping on and not allow anyone or
anything to stand in the way of your fulfilling the full potential of your destiny in time. This is
what God's Mental Hope is all about.
From Dad’s Perspective: - July 2010
In the summer of 2007, Israel spent four weeks to learn skills that added another
important member to the family. He returned home to Evelyn and me at the end
of July with Gobi, a male Yellow Labrador Retriever guide dog from Guiding Eyes
in Yorktown, NY. Gobi was Israel’s constant companion and a very familiar site at
Nyack College through the 2007-08 school year.
Israel’s dreams of completing college took eight years due to
illness and hospitalizations which caused many missed
semesters. But Israel’s faith never let him give up on them.
At the Nyack College Graduation in May 2008, when Israel and his
guide dog Gobi walked across the stage he received three things:
- a BA in Psychology from Nyack College,
- the shouts of "Israel" and a standing ovation,
- and the biggest victory of his life in battling schizophrenia.
In August 2008, Israel and Gobi squeezed all of their belongings,
well most of them, into my pick-up truck and we drove six hours
to move them into an apartment of their own in Rochester, NY.
The dream has led Israel to pursue a Masters in Social Work at
Roberts Wesleyan College in Rochester.
The daily battles to stay healthy and in school are much easier
than when he first returned to Nyack College.
But Israel’s conviction to stay healthy and look forward in faith
to the hope God gave him are just as strong as before.
As of this update, Israel has never had to return to the hospital.
| "My life is an example of how the darkest tragedy was transformed into the brightest triumph." |
If you would like to email Israel you can use:
israel@godsmentalhope.net
israel@godsmentalhope.net
| Israel's Story |
"Israel's Story" Update |
| July 2010 - Update |
